Tests

Greg: Luis, if I killed someone, would you turn me in?

Luis: Hmm.  No.  No, I don’t think I would.

Greg: That’s great.  Because I have some startling news for you.

Luis: Did… did you murder someone, Greg?

Greg: I did, Luis, and I’ll tell you why.  I was being blackmailed.  Blackmailed so hard.  And even more, this wasn’t at all about money… they were threatening my wife!  If I didn’t pay $50,000 I was putting my wife in danger… they were going to kill her.  I couldn’t allow that to happen.

Luis: So you murdered this person.

Greg: So I murdered this person.  It’s a fact, Jack.  And I don’t regret it.  It had to be done, for the sake of my family.

 Luis: Hey, I respect you as my friend.  We’ve been through some bad shit in our day.  But I have to say, murder is a pretty bad thing.

Greg: What… so, are you saying you are going to turn me in?

Luis: I am. 

Luis picks up the telephone.  Greg pulls out a gun.

Greg: Luis, I can’t let you do this.  I’m going to have to murder you now, also.

Luis: Greg… Greg, oh Greg, oh Greg.  You failed the test!

Greg: The test?  What test?

Luis: The murderer test!  See, you murdered earlier just to protect your family.  I can understand that.  But I had to make sure that you would never murder for any other reason.  Murdering me would be for selfish reasons, and that’s not cool.  I’m afraid now I’m going to have to really call.

Greg: Then I’m going to have to really murder.  See, you failed the test.  The loyalty test.

Luis: Oh shit!

Greg: I wasn’t planning on murdering you at all.  But now I have to because you are going to call the cops.

Luis: But if this whole thing was just a test then you didn’t really kill anyone and I don’t have to make the call.

Greg: Oh, no I really murdered that guy.  That part was real.  It wasn’t part of the test.

Luis: That’s not really a test then, Greg.  That’s just saying “Don’t call or I’ll kill you” and then killing me if I try to call. 

Greg: Don’t tell me how to test!

Sarah enters the room.

Sarah: What’s up, bitches?  Hey, is that a gun?

Greg: Damn it! Get over there with Luis.

Luis: So now you are going to kill her, too?

Sarah: What?

Greg: I have to, she saw me with the gun and will know what happened.

Sarah: I have no idea what happened.

Greg: You would though.

Luis: So you are just an all around murderer then.  That’s just great, Greg, you must be so proud.

Greg: She failed the test!

Sarah: What test?

Greg: The don’t-enter-the-room test!

Luis: You are just making this up as you go.

Sarah: Making what up as who goes!?